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Between Beer Pong and Babies
It’s hard to party in your late 20’s. You’re too old for clubs, too tired from work, and too bored for bars. House parties would be fun if more people danced, and dinner parties would be awesome if...
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Early Bird Gets the Sex
It’s 2:15 AM. You double click your keys to unlock your modest midsize sedan. You try to focus your vision thru the slightly fogged windshield. Your last call whiskey soda put you .05 over the legal...
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Are Millenials Shitheads or Just Kinda Alright?
It seems like every month a new article comes out in a high profile publication either taking a huge crap on my generation or taking a smaller, more polite crap while at the same time reassuring our...
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Classes I Should Have Taken
Recently I watched a college edition of Jeopardy. Everyone knows College Jeopardy is for pussies, but we all need victories no matter how petty, so I made sure the idiot from Dartmouth heard my...
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Forgetting My Ex’s Number
Some day I’m going to forget my ex girlfriend’s phone number. I’m just going to wake up one morning and hit the alarm and in that moment realize that I’m not sure whether the last four digits were 7062...
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No Squares in the Cocaine Room
The first 5 minutes at a house party where you don’t know anyone are crucial. You want to choose a smile that conveys a warm, non-threatening nature while maintaining a certain edge, which lets people...
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We Drink From the Head. We Are One. Consume.
After Pat badly shanked his dirty Callahan 4 into the shrubs for what he swore was the last time, he proclaimed two things: One, he was rusty. He quickly qualified his first statement by adding the...
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Rivets and Reservations
Magic is meant to inspire awe. It should suspend your disbelief and make you question all that is true in the world. At the Magic Castle in Hollywood they achieve these results in stupefying fashion....
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Portrait of an Old White #1
After a brief trip to a museum this past weekend, it has come to my attention that most galleries are filled with portraits of old whites. I’m no art critic, but I am rather well versed in Old Whites,...
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